You Killed Me
by Blue-Eyes-Baka
Summary: Raivis feels like there's just no point. The only person he could ever love just doesn't like him back, he's on the verge of breaking. Raivis/Eduard Latvia/Estonia, yaoi, suicide fic.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a litte vent fic I did. **

**Raivis/Eduard, suicide D:**

**First part is Raivis' POV **

* * *

My hands were cold, frozen; I was shaking, I was trembling; tears were building up in my eyes. I felt cold, I felt broken, I felt miserable. But what's new about that? I was always crying, and I was always trembling. I'm just a weak, pathetic, stupid, naïve child. I don't know anything about anything, I just do as I'm told, and no-one cares. Nobody cares about me.

Not even you, after everything I've tried to do for you. You just ignore me, you belittle me, you abandon me, because I'm not worth your time. I'm just a waste of space, a waste of energy; I'm just a pathetic, trembling, weak mess. I'll never achieve anything on my own, I'll never achieve anything.

My footsteps echoed loudly as I walked down the long, empty hallway. I knew what I had to do; I knew where I was going. I knew, for the first time in my life, what I was doing. I knew what had to be done. For the first time in my life, I could finally do something useful, all by myself.

I remember walking past you and Toris. Toris looked at me, concerned. It was probably because of my sad, yet determined expression, like I'd made my mind up about something … if only you knew. You, however, you just glanced at me, before dismissing me and looking away, continuing to walk past me.

"Raivis, are you okay?" Toris asked me, his voice quiet. I looked up at him, as you looked back over your shoulder.

"I'm sure he's fine," you dismissed.

"Eduard…," Toris sighed.

I turned to face you. And I glared at you. I glared at you with all the hatred, disgust, pain and anguish I could summon. Your eyes widened slightly, yet noticeably, as you stood on the receiving end of an expression no-one thought I was ever psychically possible of. Toris noticed this too, the concern in your voice only growing more frantic.

"Raivis? Raivis, is something wrong?"

I looked back at Toris. I was tired, so very tired, so worn out, so sick of this. "It's nothing," I replied. My voice sounded quiet, weak, pathetic; just like it always did. Toris was unbelieving, but you just dismissed;

"Obviously he's not going to tell us. C'mon Toris, let's get those jobs done before Russia gets back,"

Toris glanced at me again, as I switched my gaze to the ground. I heard him sigh, before saying "If you need anything, Raivis, just come and ask, okay?" And then you turned and walked away with Eduard.

I watched you and Toris walk away, until you turned a corner and went out of my sight. Then I continued walking, down the hall, toward Russia's study.

Usually I hate being anywhere that Russia might be, I'm scared of him, and I have good reason to be. But he isn't the reason I've decided on what I have to do. No, he isn't the one who broke my heart, he's not the one who broke me, he's not the one who shattered me, he's not the one who shot me down, he's not the one who abandoned me.

At least Russia actually showed some sort of human emotion toward me, even if it _was_ in his own, rather unique way. Unlike _you_, Eduard, you … you bastard.

I pushed open the dark, wooden door and entered the small room. The walls were lined with bookshelves stuff with books and files, and in the centre of the room was a wooden desk, piled with papers, folders and more books, with what looked like a half written report. But that wasn't of any importance to me.

Once whilst cleaning in here, I stumbling across something that Russia later told me he always kept in this room, in that specific drawer. It was always there, it was always ready, just in case. I guess you can't be too safe.

I walked around the desk, lost in thought the entire time. I wonder how everyone would react; I wonder how you'd react, Eduard. I wondered … But it's not like I would ever know, not like I would ever find out. Not that I really cared.

I started shaking again, as my hand reached out and grasped the cold, metal handle of the top draw. I pulled it open, pushed some papers aside, and found what I was looking for—the gun that Russia always kept there, just in case.

I picked it up, finding it slightly heavier than I expected. But I'd never held a gun before; I still knew how to shoot one, after seeing so many people shoot down enemies in wars and other battles.

For the first time in my life, I couldn't cry. I just couldn't cry. I felt something tighten in my chest, a strange, unnatural feeling overcame me—it felt like I was going to start laughing. But I didn't know why. I managed to hold it back for the most part, lest someone hear me and come to investigate. The most that I ended up doing was smiling. I felt kind of like Russia, smiling that creepy, I-know-something-you-don't smile.

I pushed the barrel of the cold gun against my temple, my trembling stopping, tears still refusing to fall, the unnatural urge to laugh hysterically still pushing, still trying to release itself. I wanted to laugh. This will make you pay, make you pay for everything you've put me through.

I'm in love with you, Eduard. I love you so much; you're all I have to hold onto. And yet you ignore me, you ridicule me, you torment me, you shoot me down, you kill me.

You kill me.

Without a second thought, I pulled the trigger. Finally, I was free. Finally, I had no more pain, no more anguish; I was no longer tormented by you. I was free.

You broke me, you shattered my heart, you kill me.

You've killed me.

It's all your fault, Eduard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Second part. This one is from Toris' POV**

* * *

Eduard and I simultaneously froze in place when we heard it – a single gunshot, coming from down the hall. We both turned and stared at the door – weren't Eduard, Raivis and I the only ones in the house? Then what …

Eduard bolted out the door and down the hall faster that I've ever seen him move. I dropped the plates in my hands, ignoring how they shattered on the tiled floor, and ran after Eduard. We ran down the hallway we'd been in only moments before, when we'd spoken to Raivis. Something had been wrong, something had been very wrong with the small nation, but that gunshot … that … he couldn't have—Raivis wouldn't—

Eduard was slamming doors open, trying to find where the gunshot had come from. Eventually he noticed the opened door to Russia's study, and he moved to run in, but froze in the doorway. He went pale, his eyes widened in pure shock. I ran up behind him, but couldn't see past him to see what he was staring at.

"Eduard?" I asked. All of a sudden, the Estonian ran into the room, behind the desk, disappearing from view when he knelt down. Then I saw it.

There was a thin trail of blood, coming from behind the desk. I walked over slowly, around the desk, to where Eduard was. I immediately felt my entire body go numb, I felt like my insides had turned to ice as my legs gave way beneath me and I fell to my knees, next to the frantic Estonian.

Eduard was holding a limp, lifeless, unresponsive Raivis. Blood was pouring from one side of his head, staining Eduard's shirt as he shook the small Latvian, trying in vain to get some response from him.

That was when I noticed the top drawer of the desk was opened, and then my eyes trailed down to the floor, near where Raivis's right hand would have been before he was picked up. There was a gun.

I looked back at Eduard. He was holding Raivis tightly to his chest, bent over, his face hidden by his hair. He was rocking back and forth slightly, his shoulders shaking. He was crying.

It took me a few moments to realise that I'd been crying, too. But I still felt numb. Why … Why had this happened … why had Raivis … this didn't make any sense. No, no this had to be a nightmare, right? This couldn't be reality, this couldn't …

Raivis … Why … why …


	3. Chapter 3

**Third and final part.**

**Eduard's POV**

* * *

I turned around when I heard a gunshot ring through the air. Toris had also turned to the door, and the two of us stood in silence for a moment. Toris and I were here, Russia was out, and the only other person in the house right now was … oh no …

Before I knew what I was doing, I was running as fast as I could, nearly falling over as I turned the corner. No, please let my guess be wrong, please, let this just be nothing.

I ran down the hallway I assumed the shot had come from. I could hear Toris trying to catch up to me, but I paid no attention to him. I needed to find Raivis; I needed to make sure he was okay. I was throwing doors open, only being greeted with silent, empty rooms. I was about to open another room when I noticed one door down the hall that stood open. I ran over, with full intention of running in, but my legs froze. My whole body froze. I could feel the colour draining from my face. This couldn't be happening.

There was blood. Blood was coming from some unknown source, hidden from view by the desk in the centre of the room. No, no, no, don't do this me. No.

I ran around the desk, my legs giving way as I fell to my knees. There, laying still, unmoving, not breathing, was Raivis. There was a gun on the floor by his right hand, there was blood running from the left side of his head. He'd … h-he'd … no … no!

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer to me, not caring about the blood that was staining my shirt. I shook him, shouting at him, trying to get him to wake up. Toris had walked around by that point, his legs giving way as mine had, his eyes wide in shock, tears beginning to form. I saw him glance over at the gun, and then back at me.

I held Raivis close to me, his body was going cold … No, this couldn't be happening … this … I bent over, I gave in, I started to cry.

This is my fault. This is all my fault. I should've been nicer to him, I should've … I should've tried … I shouldn't have been so idiotic, so damned stupid!! If I'd just been nice to him, maybe he'd … maybe he'd …

Raivis … Raivis, please … please come back to me … I love you … I love you …

Please, please … Raivis …


End file.
